1991-05-09 - Spring Orgo Night
College Library
[Band marches in to Roar, Lion, Roar]Ladies and Gentlemen, and pre-meds, back despite the best effortsof the Civility Committee , the Cleverest Band in the World, the ColumbiaUniversity Marching Rico...Suave. [Fanfare]
J. Joe Schwartz - Head Manager
J. Rob Perle - Drum Major
J. Al Paul - When we think about you...we touch ourselves
J. Gerald Lowery - Student Activities Sugar Daddy
and J. Ed Lipman - recipient of the 1st annual Chris Ziadie multiculturalism award.Welcomes itself back to cold, dark, dank, musty, in need ofrenovation, yet still...well, in need of renovation College Library, wherethe men are men and the women are checked out but long overdue, presentsits 13th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive t o lower the curve in OrganicChemistry. [Band plays Who Owns New York]Recently, it seems, the N.F.L. has been confronting the firstserious challenge to its football dynasty. The New England Patriots havedrawn a line in the sand and crossed over to the World League of AmericanFootball. The Patriots, tired of cold, bleak New England, have foundthemselves a stadium in a resort community on the Mediterranean. The team'snew owner, Yitzhak Shamir, was quoted as saying "I loved the game so much,I bought the team!" In their new surroundings, the Tel Aviv Patriots tookthe League by storm and defeated division powerhouse, the Kuwait Fire, togo all the way to the championships where they squared off against theirrivals from the Middle Eastern Bloc, the Baghdad Scuds. With the teams soevenly matched, many thought the contest would be a real war...but it didnot live up to its advance billing. The game was truly lopsided, foralmost every time the Scuds launched one of their bombs, it wasintercepted by a Patriot defender. After establishing air superiority,the Patriots were able to end the contest with a punishing ground attack. The only setback for the Patriots came when they were penalized fifteenyards for unnecessary roughness, said referee Lisa Olson "This nakedaggression will not stand." The final score w as so overwhelming, thePatriots have truly established a New World League Order. According toMr. Shamir "Everyone had a blast." The Band would now like to play theresults of the Patriots gameplan...Wipeout![Band plays Wipeout]Even more recently, it seems, a campus fraternity's Island Party wasdisrupted by a bomb threat called in by an unidentified woman. Whilereports of the impending explosion threatened to ruin the attendingstudents' evening, most brothers finished what they started, since they'reused pulling out in a hurry. However, the threat did force visitingsexologist Dr. Ruth Westheimer to abandon the field study she wasconducting. Despite the incomplete information, Dr. Ruth was ableformulate the following preliminary report: Of those attending the event,69% were likely to engage in sexual intercourse. The rest came up alittle short. Of those having sex, only 10% remembered with whom, thoughfully 96% of those participants will deny the encounter if asked. Ofthose engaging in sex, 50% experienced at least one orgasm but the datasuggest that absolutely none of them were women. Anyway, the threat ofdeath made many attendees express shock and confusion. Said one pledge,"This wasn't the kind of blow I was expecting." Not everyone wassurprised however, as one A.D.P. member commented "I don't what everyone'sso upset about...w e get bombed all the the time." In honor of the fratknown campus-wide as "Columbia's Kennedy Compound" the Band will now playwhat women have been saying at Island Parties since their inception, (ICan't Get No) Satisfaction. [Band plays Satisfaction]Yet still more recently, it seems, the controversy surrounding politicalcorrectness reached a feverish pitch when it was discovered that ModernTimes merged with The Federalist Paper forming yet another randomlypublished panapoly of personal diatribes. The Band, however, has towonder who is really politically correct? Therefore in the inquisitivespirit of the Civility Committee, we would like to present our very ownP.C. questionnaire. Give yourself five points for each question youanswer in the affirmative, but take away five points for each negativeanswer. - Are you a member of any organization with an unpronouncable acronym that tables on College Walk?
- Do you chastise members of the above groups forselling out to the oppressors?
- How long is your hair? Add five pointsper inch for males, subtract five points per inch for females, but addtwenty-five points for being oppressed.
- Do you recycle aluminum? Glass? "Earth Day" posters?
- Do you denounce the C.C.N.Y. tuition hike? Have you ever seen a printoutof your Columbia bill? If so, did you recycle it?
- Is Bush lying? Give yourself five points per instance cited.
- How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck couldn't chuck wood? Give yourself ten points for remembering that assuming woodchucks chuckwood is just another oppressive stereotype.
The Band would now like to salute those of you who scored undertwenty-five points with a rousing rendition of that Disney classic, Underthe P.C. [Band plays Under the Sea]As we bid you a fond farewell, The Band wishes all of you well ontomorrow's exams, but not wanting to encourage false hopes, will now playwhat you are likely to hear from Med School Admissions officesnationwide...I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In. [Band plays Knocking][Band marches out to Roar, Lion, Roar]